Dear God, I hereby tender my resignation.

I don't like to whine. Whiners make this annoying noise, and it irritates me as how ShimaShrieks irritate Jem. But now, in my head, I'm making this awful noise and it keeps on repeating the same words over and over. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH".I've had enough of being isolated, neglected and wishing I said the right things and the right time and shutting up at the stipulated time. I've had enough of feeling stupid; just because I'm Malay and I have 3 'O' level credits only. I do. I've had enough of being second class to him. I'm tired of being the only one who finally learns to cry without so much of a whimper, cry in front of everyone, and nobody notices. I wish I could say that this is my pms talking but it isn't. You think I don't want to be happy? I do. And that's the reason why I ACT like I'm happy. I act like I'm full of happiness and optimism that I could jolly well scoop the Most Happiest Singaporean in a snap. I act like nothing worries me and I act like I don't have any reason to be a rebel.

But I do have reasons, I have not a lost cause but a lot of cause to rebel. Against the world, against even God. I've suffered so much hatred and pain - I don't ever wish anyone to feel the same way- that it hurts to know that nobody appreciates, nobody says thank you for the hugs, despite the burden I carry around. I hate the fact that I have to endure lectures from people who barely know me, yet claim they do. I have every reason, every letter from my banks and advisors to tell you to shut up and that I know what I'm doing and it's none of your business, thank you. And the fact that I've gotten where I am without anybody's help except for him is something I'm tragically proud of.

I hate almost everything I see everyday, and the optimism in me is dying out. My words have grown lesser, when people ask me for my opinion now, I answer vaguely, most of the time, it comes out as "Whatever." What used to be the rationale advice given out of care and concern form my friends have succumbed to a lump of bullshit that I know they won't bother to listen anyway.

So today, I run. I will jog and run and turn myself away from the person I used to be. I have succumbed to the fact that I will never be that one person who smiles and have no worries.

Maybe one day, I'll run and never turn back.

i am feeling better.